Thursday, July 25, 2013

Lifetime ban from sports?

     First off, I apologize for the lack of recent columns highlighting the Aaron Hernandez trial(s), continuing NBA Free Agency frenzy and recently, the disappointing 2013 ESPY's. Am I forgiven? Yes? OK, good.

     Anyhow, I feel somewhat obliged to mention the most recent PED scandal in baseball and Ryan Braun's unreasonable suspension time. I have a few questions that I would LOVE to ask regarding the most recent annual steroid scandal (The Annual Steriod Scandal A.K.A--ASS).

....Why is Braun the only player currently serving his suspension when there were numerous other names linked?

....Is it just a coincidence his Brewers are twenty-one games back when his suspension starts?

....Some other names linked: Bartolo Colon, Alex "I hit on Russian models during games" Rodriguez, Gio Gonzalez and Nelson Cruz. All of those names are currently on a contending team with playoff aspirations.

....I'm not a rocket scientist but isn't this whole situation a little fishy?

....The reason Ryan Braun isn't appealing: HIS TEAM IS 21 GAMES BACK! 21!!!! 21!!!!!!!!

....Did Bud Selig just snatch the "Worst Commish in Sports" title belt from David Stern?

     If Bud Selig wants to maintain an image, avoid going down with the ship (steroid use) and make his mark on baseball here is what he must accomplish:

1) Enforce a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball after a player tests positive 2 times for HGH, 'Roids, Juice--whatever the heck kids call it these days. You cheat in school you are done, why is sports more lenient than education????

2) Revoke all awards ever given to these professional athletes cheaters. Braun's 2011 MVP award, Bond's inevitable Hall of Fame induction and Alex "I REALLY hate him" Rodriguez's hypothetical lead in the hottest girlfriends race. Hand that award over to Evan Longoria.

3) Force the recently positive HGH testers (Braun, Colon, A-Rod, etc.) to star in a Progressive commercial with Flo. If that isn't torture, what is?

     Seriously though, why is the sports world so content with complaining about Commissioners yet not doing ANYTHING about it? If you are part of a David Stern, Bud Selig or Roger Goodell intervention group do something about the need for a change! Somehow the David Stern intervention group convinced Stern to step down after this year. Bravo, DS-Intervention Group.

Editors Note: {The next Paragraph comes in large part to Keegan losing his chapstick and his lips feeling "chapped"}
  I am infuriated just thinking about all the wrong and suspicious stunts professional Commissioners are constantly pulling. Just hearing the latest commissioners' wrong doing raises my blood pressure. In fact, so does writing about it. (Someone give me a TUM!) Ok, I found my Chapstick.... I am good!

     The same way Jimmy Fallon has began incorporating video clips and media into his opening monologues, I will be incorporating images into my column. You're welcome in advance. This is what I imagine the NBA, MLB and NFL's Commissioners would be saying/thinking in the captured moment.

David "Rigged lotteries/refs/games" Stern--NBA
...."YIPEEEE! The Heat won again!"

...."The NBA Finals goes to game 7?! PERFECT"

...."This is how my mama taught me to milk a goat"

...."This was my reaction when I rigged the 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006... And 2013 NBA Draft Lotteries"

...."This is how I sat during the Soarin' Over California ride. It was exhilarating!"

....(If I pound my hands 3 times fast on the desk people will respect me? Imma try it!)

                                                                                   ....Slogan: Absolute Power = Absolute Corruption

Bud "I look exactly like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets" Selig--MLB

 ...."Why is Braun the only one being suspended this season?" (I will just act like I can't hear the question) "Excuse me, what was the question?"

...."Allen Iverson has nothing on my interviews with the media. A-I never showed his right ear off like this. Oh yeah, work it!"

...."That's correct, my grandma did knit this suit jacket and wool tie for me. Thanks for noticing"

...."Wait, that's Braun's second allegation? That's news to me!"

...."I just secured pole position in the "Worst Commish in sports" race? YES! What an honor. Move over Mr. Stern!"

....Slogan: I never learned how to deal with steroids in my one room schoolhouse

Roger "Don't say the words replacement and ref around me" Goodell--NFL

...."Aaron Hernandez is now on trial? That makes 178 convicted felons in my league"

...."When can we change our name to the No Fun League? Is it still being considered? It is? OK"

...."How close are the Jets to joining the Canadian Football League? Not that close? Dang it!"

...."I would rather sit through an ACT class than announce 7 more rounds of the draft!"

....Slogan: The babysitter over a thousand personalities/drama queens/convicts/Chad Ochocinco

    It's been a pleasure bashing on the big 3 sports Commissioners. Thank you for reading.


Monday, June 10, 2013

Why do we care SO Much?

Why do we Care SO Much? 

     Driving to Oracle Arena to attend the season wrap-up fan rally and for one last chance to express my thanks to the Warriors organization, I questioned myself, "Why do I care so much?" There was no clear answer. "Why am I driving an hour to Oakland to honor my team that just lost only three nights prior?" Again, no legible answer. "The only other people who would do this are Bill Simmons at any Boston event, Justin Bieber at any (insert champions) team's celebration or Michael Jordan attending a GM for dummies venting session." Wonderment filled my car as I drove, I felt like I was trapped in a glass case of doubt. 

     With 0.00 expectations driving up to the vintage, yet lovable Oracle Arena that nights previous was transformed into the energized ROAR-ACLE Arena, I began to see banners and Blue & Gold car flags. I was surrounded by thousands of other loyal Warriors fans. Had I just died and gone to heaven? With the exception of the Oakland natives who were sent by their parents to this FREE event and told to snatch all the ketchup packets they could fit in their jean pockets, I was surrounded by a sea of Dubs fans who cared as much as I did. 

So, why was I attending this event?

     Because it's my favorite Warriors team in 6 years. Because we had just witnessed the first great season of an up and coming team. Because we had witnessed Bay Area basketball history. Because this is the only team to beat the Spurs through 3 rounds of Playoffs. Because I wanted to be there with other Warriors fans. Because I wanted to be inside Oracle Arena for the last time for two years. Because I wanted to smell the popcorn, stare at the newly revamped yellow floor and reminisce on the great times. Because I wanted to savor those "WAAAARRRRIIIIOOOORRRSSSSS!" chants, hear the overexcited Dubs fans, enjoy that only-works-in-person moment when Brandon Rush makes his first appearance fresh off a season ending injury. Because we spent 6 months watching Curry, D. Lee, Klay, Barnes, Coach Jackson and the rest of the youngest team in the league become relevant.  

     Their improbable turnaround wasn't about big names, money, numbers, headlines, commercials, endorsement deals or drama. This group of young misfits enjoyed playing together and giving the best NBA city in the country something to cheer for again. It's really that simple. When last season became a lost one, the infamous tanking began and injuries splintered any future plans, something interesting happened: Bob Myers made a few quality signs had the best draft of 30 teams and vowed to create a championship atmosphere and a winning mentality. 

     Three months later, the season began. Curry was healthy, Barnes earned a starting role, Jarrett Jack and Carl Landry excelled off the bench and Mark Jackson wasn't concerned with tanking for a draft pick, trade rumors, and looming contracts, only one thing was on his mind: Winning! Fast forward past Draymond Green's buzzer beater to beat Miami on the road, David Lee's All-Star appearance, Curry's 54 at MSG, Barnes flight, league awards and we arrive at the playoffs. Playoffs, Playoffs? You kidding me? 

     After rolling through the Gallinari-less Nuggets, forming feuds and a rivalry of two up and coming teams, the Spurs loomed. The Spurs? Really? Dang it! Why do we have to play the Spurs? San Antonio is the closest thing to a machine this league has ever seen. Fundamentals vs. Shooting. David vs. Goliath. 

     All evened up at 2 games, the Warriors were two wins away from a Western Conference Finals appearance. As casualties (Lee, Curry, Bogut) kept piling up and the fountain of youth team kept chugging along, undaunted, they started resonating with Warriors fans like the '07 Warriors. This was totally different than 2007's We Believe season. We had a hope for the future, this was only the beginning. The foundation had been laid. It's not about Curry setting records, David Lee's flawless pick-and-roll plays, Klay sneaking off a double screen to hit a 3, or Barnes emphatic dunks. It's about the hope for the future and the growth and many more moments we can expect from those guys. This is not an up-and-coming or overachieving team, it's a team that will be great. A team that has earned a spot in Warriors memory books and hearts. We will always remember what this team went through and accomplished. We will always remember the 2013 Warriors. 

     And that's why I drove to Oakland. To celebrate the start of a franchise. To celebrate great years to come. And, to give thanks and celebrate the first of many, many great things to come. 


Monday, May 20, 2013

2013 GSW's Off-Season Preview

     On my way home from work, mere minutes ago, I stopped by Burger King (Yes, you read that correctly)  ordered a drink and promptly reached down to search for loose change in my cup "change" holder. I handed the vastly overqualified BK employee the exact amount. The window shut, I began to read on about possible Warriors off-season moves on my phone and abruptly the window opened. The long haired, probable high school dropout said to me, "We don't accept Oakland Zoo tokens here!"

     AWESOME! I had not laughed that sincerely since Friday night. The infamous night my beloved Golden State Warriors (as TNT would say), lost and went home. The same night I wore black because I was expecting a funeral for my Warriors in an already overstayed 2013 playoff duration. The same Friday night that has been fermented in my brain and will continue to pester me, the same way veterans have Vietnam flashbacks. All in all, Friday night has left a deep, unreachable pit in my stomach that until that moment at the BK Lounge, I thought would linger with me the rest of my life. (I already get enough smack talk from the 9-12 year old's I coach, who apparently all claim they are "Lakers" and "Kings" fans). 

     People who are told they have ten days to live, as Jim Carrey would say, "Live it up!" Women who are faced with the challenge of losing a guy in ten days, would give it their best Kate Hudson-esque performance. And, sports freaks who are told they must go two YEARS without any sports, would contemplate the importance of the object/person/trip/objective/calling that is creating their two year sports withdrawal. I have always known the day would come when I must leave (possibly the country, fingers crossed) for two years and be voided from sports. But like Brian Scalabrine playing real minutes, I never thought the day would come. 

     (Glass half empty outlook): So, after the Warriors remarkable season and hope for a promising future, the Raiders dwelling as a bottom top team in the NFL and the A's one year removed from the most incredible season to date in the Bay, it is a rough time to leave. 

     (Glass half full outlook): I still get to witness a majority of the A's season, scout out players in the Raiders training camps and...the pinnacle of all sporting seasons, get to read about, hope and watch the Warriors off-season. YIPEEEEEE! 

     Bob Myers, the Golden State Warriors GM, was faced with a conundrum of a roster when he took over the reigns of the Warriors back in 2011. He has done a more than admirable job rebuilding, restructuring and forming the youngest, yet most promising and exciting team in the league. The 2012-13 season was a major success (yet still a fresh sore spot for Warriors fans), however he has a lot of work ahead of him. He is faced with major questions, contracts and pressure to retain and improve an already (for lack of a better word) awesome team. If Bob Myers and myself one day woke up, pulled a Freaky Friday body switch (something I would gladly welcome), here is what I would do with the franchise: 

Step 1: Give Mark Jackson the extension he deserves. Although not the best X's and O's coach, he plays match ups  adapts and creates an environment guys want to play in. He motivates everyone (See: Bogut, Andrew), and has created a much needed identity for a team formerly lacking it. His NBA coach comparison: Doc Rivers. No prior coaching experience, yet Jackson gets his guys to win. Also, if possible I would extend Assisstant Coach Mike Malone's contract as well (the X and O's guy). 

Step 2: Decide between Jarrett Jack and Carl Landy. Wow, tough one. I would choose Carl Landry. I admit Jack is a very good player, minus his turnover ratio, wild play and lack of defense, but Landry is more valuable to this team. Jack is a guy who can score and handle the ball. The Warriors already have Stephen Curry, so I would do my best job to bring in a valid backup Point Guard WHO CAN PLAY DEFENSE. That is a huge priority. Preferably a 6'4 or taller PG who can defend 2-3 positions. Insert Landry to backup Lee (???? I will get to that in a second) and sign/trade for/draft a big point guard who can handle the ball, shoot and play defense. 

Step 3: Is there a possible trade looming? Personally, I would do my best to trade David Lee. He is a very, very good player, that's why he was the teams lone All-Star. However, he lacks defense, size, versatility and provides something other guys could get too, if they played the same amount of minutes: Double Doubles. Landry is an overqualified backup Power Forward, and the team is in desperate need for a defense, athletic second big to put alongside BOGUT(!!!!) Plus, Draymond Green, Festus Ezeli, NOT Andris Biedrins and Harrison "small ball" Barnes can fill minutes left by Lee's departure. At this point to me, a Lee trade seems inevitable. I can only hope Bob Myers is drinking the same BK soda as me. 

Step 4: So, three rookies played huge minutes for my team this year. Do I trade into the draft to find more hidden gems? My answer, no. This is a very, very, very, very, very weak draft and aside from Michael Carter-Williams and Dennis Schroeder, there are very few value, sleeper picks that could help the Dubs. So, I am standing pat and resisting the temptation to trade into the fun, yet talent starved 2013 NBA draft.  

Step 5: Is this the nucleus I want to build around? Curry is a lock, Barnes is a lock and Bogut is a lock. Of course, so are the young role players. We have already discussed Lee, but is Klay Thompson a lock to be in the future nucleus of the Warriors? I would do everything I can to build around Steph and Barnes, the players with the most upside and talent. Why trade Klay Thompson? He is versatile and defends well, which makes him a very usable player. However, his production and consistency make him expendable. He is a very good shooter, who at times looks great, however I hear his value around the league is way higher than what I think his upside is. He doesn't have that star mentality to ever be a great shooter and right now he is in the perfect situation possible for him, putting up respectable, yet replaceable numbers. I am not totally sure what you could get for him. Although, I have heard Eric Gordon/James Harden type talents (!!!!) I would definitely explore trades for him and maybe include Lee as a package deal to land a big time talent. Here is a proposal: Klay Thompson for Andre Igoudala? I would do it in a heartbeat. 

     There it is, the Golden State Warriors off-season preview. Hope you enjoyed it. Also, I hope you jumped on the "Klay Thompson is a more talented, yet miniature version of Mike Dunleavy Jr." bandwagon. Oh, one more thing: Keep Kent Bazemore!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Oakland vs. Denver- Oakland is far superior

     I have found myself doing a lot of pretending lately. I pretend I don't listen to Dreamgirls and Les Mis songs so people won't judge me. I pretend to care about any first round series other than the Nuggets vs. Warriors, so I can keep up with the NBA drama. I pretend that anything, including my newly acquired job, in the world other than the upcoming Warriors game matters to me. I pretend to care about the newest Tom Cruise movie (HUGE disappointment, by the way), so I can hold a conversation with other Tom Cruise crazed fans. I pretend to care about the difference between real and generic brands so I can notice a fake Louis Vutton bag from a real one. The toughest act to pull off, though, is pretending to not notice Stephen Curry's rise to super-stardom.

     If you haven't seen highlights of Stephen Curry's 54 points in the Garden, I recommend a trip over to YouTube. It is impossible to watch his performance and stay away from goosebumps arriving. (Side note: I teared up watching a recap of his coming of (age) superstar moment). In fact, search any Bay Area sports team's most recent season recap and brace yourself for goosebumps galore. Every team in the Bay (minus the Raiders) is drinking the same East Bay MUD water and embracing the expected "magical season" effects.

     So, when did Stephen Curry become a superstar? Was it his 54 point performance? His second half of the season (fresh off an All-Star snub) lights out shooting? Or, his insane first 4 games in his playoff debut? What is the correct answer, Jeeves? Eh, who cares what Jeeves and any magic eight ball says, it was a combination of all his performances.

     The series against the always over-hyped, yet gritty and freakishly athletic Nuggets team was the perfect stage for Curry to announce and back up his superstar campaign. Even George "ageless" Karl had no idea how to stop Curry when he got hot. Unfortunately for the Dubs, Karl is no Poppovich and the Nuggets are no San Antonio Spurs.The Spurs play the best team basketball in the world and thanks to coach Popp, they attack any teams weakness and exploit it. That makes me incredibly worried as a Warriors fan, especially after the last 6 minutes of this closeout game against Denver. The Warriors showed all youth basketball teams "The worst way to finish a game". Scary.

     Only a home-body biased Warriors fan would be crazy enough to argue this series wouldn't have been different had Danilo Galllinari been healthy. It absolutely wold have been. Gallinari is one of the few (but proud) Nuggets who can actually shoot. He would have stretched the floor and provided more space to an already wide open lane for Ty "don't call me Tywon" Lawson. If nothing else, I realized a few things about the city of Denver and their basketball team.

1. My first thought, after witnessing their "crowd" was, "Of course! This was the perfect city for Tim "Timothy" Tebow to play in." That is the only city crazy and desperate enough to back a "quarterback" like Tebow.

2. Kenneth "overrated" Faried is just that, overrated. He averages around 10 points a game. About 6 of those points come off alley-oops, with the other 4 being a product of wide open layups, thanks to Ty Lawson isolations.

3. I will never like, or travel to the city of Denver.

4. Compare GM Michael Jordan to GM Danny Ainge. Now compare Oracle's crowd to Pepsi Center's "crowd". No comparison.

    Thank you, Mark Jackson. Thank you, Stephen Curry. Thank you, the Big Aussie. You're a joke Klay Thompson. Thank you, Draymond "Money" Green. Thank you, R-ORACLE Arena. You're a joke, Chris Mullin. Thank you, Jarrett Jack. Thank you, David Lee's brief return. You're a joke, NBA TNT Analysts "Nuggets in 6!" Thank you, Bay Area! Crazy year. Next up, Goliath. Bring it on!



Sunday, April 7, 2013

Finally, a Les Mis review

 Very rarely can a movie transform a generation. What Les Mis and Tom Hooper accomplished has an entire country singing "Do you hear the people sing?" Seriously, if I were to walk into any apartment, dorm, house, RV or fire/police station there is a very good chance at least one of it's occupants would be singing/humming/reminiscing upon Les Mis. Why is Les Mis so great? Why is it now gaining the popularity that it deserved so long ago? This column is written late enough so you could see the movie (numerous times), have a chance to purchase it, have the chance the analyze it, and ultimately think of better cast members than Russell Crowe.

    After seeing the movie 7 times through, the credits a whopping 4 times, the "Making of Les Mis" 3 times, and listening to the soundtrack almost religiously, I believe I am in some position to deeply analyze this film. So, how do you properly analyze this film? Through the eyes of a teenager? An adult? A play/movie critic? All of the above. How do you keep viewers entertained while reading about a movie that came out on Christmas? Choose a Les Mis "Zombie Apocalypse" dream team? Analyze every song/character of the film? Give the (they come easy to me) negatives of the film? Or, compare the characters to professional athletes? All creative ideas when going about writing a much deserved/needed Les Mis column. 

HughJean JackmanValJean- The lead in the film was just dandy. Not exceptional, not great, better than okay and much better than Crowe-esque. Jackman began his career on Broadway-down under (Australia). Am I the only one who couldn't wait for claws to extrude from his knuckles and save France all in all and his newly acquired friends of the barricade? Or, were we too busy waiting for a werewolf sighting at midnight? The rumors going around are that he actually starved himself for days on end without water. If that is, in fact, true than he went from "just dandy" to a "dedication and experience laden valuable performance" review. 

RussellJavert Crowe- There were moments in this film when Crowe was "singing", where I wasn't clenching my fists or holding in my laughter. How many of these moments were there when I wasn't ready to shut off the film entirely? About 2. Crowe's voice compares to Sanjaya protecting France. Seriously, if your town was ever in danger would you feel comfortable with Russell Crowe protecting you? Don't answer that. If Tom Hooper was trying to minimize the damage of Broadway to big screen and add comic relief, he did an admirable job allowing Russell Crowe to sing. Anyone that doesn't agree Crowe is a horrific singer is not familiar with the play and what Javert should sound like. I could go on and on about Crowe and his voice, or lack of, but the fact is, I would only begin to scratch the surface of just how awful he really was. The best part of Javert in the film was when he lost his voice and had to have his vocal cords clipped. Oh, wait, that never happened? Well, there wasn't a notable positive from his performance then. 

AnneFantine Hathaway- Last year an actor in a silent film won "Best Actor", so I guess I have no argument when I say Anne Hathaway shouldn't have won "Best Supporting Actress". She performed admirably for a Geneva princess turned singer. I can see few other actresses actually excelling in the role of Fantine. So, bravo Anne, bravo. She made us all believe that she wanted the best for her daughter and was sad to see herself lose all sense of self pride. She also provided us with a rare live-on-set hair cut. It was moving. I have heard three rumors about Anne Hathaway's dedication to the film (I only made one of these up):

1. She lost 20 pounds in 2 months for the film. 

2. The two teeth she had removed were actually her wisdom teeth she never had pulled as a kid. 

3. She provided energy and rambunctiousness on the set. She was thrilled and honored to be the newest Fantine. 

EddieMarius RedmaynePontmercy- The kids (Marius, Cosette and Eponine) stole the show. If you are running short on time (heaven forbid) and must fast forward, these three are the elite singers of the cast. Redmayne sounds like what Marius should sound like and sings like Kermit the Frog. Redmayne provides us with the moments of the film when we are laughing, but at the same time bewildered because he is so talented. His facial expressions are classic as he shows nervousness throughout the film. His rendition of "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" is arguably the best vocal solo performance in the entire film. 

AmandaCosette Seyfried- It takes a lot to be known by one name only and if you accomplish it, you are in some pretty elite company. Lebron, Kobe, Jordan, Gretzky, Tiger, Messi, Cosette. BOOM! Quite the list. Cosette (Seyfried) is no slouch from stardom however, as she won the lead (and our hearts) in Mamma Mia. Her performace in Les Mis, however blows that ABBA heavy film out of the water. Seyfried has a very interesting voice. It is soft and delicate, yet flows like a bird. Like the bird in Shrek, on the tree, that Fiona kills while singing, in fact. So, the bird on the tree in Shrek sounds strikingly familiar to Cosette. Coincidence? I think not. 

SamanthaEponine BarksThenardier- No character had to stand in the rain for longer periods of time than Eponine. For that, I applaud her. She also deserves recognition for her role as one of the three elite voices in the film. Her performance of "On My Own" and her unforgettable note in "A Heart Full of Love" of,  "Every word that he says is a dagger in me!!!!" Gotta love it. That note alone kept me singing Les Mis for weeks on end. The hopes that I could someday match that "sent from Heaven" note kept me ambitious. Just kidding, I really do love that song and her performance, though. 

    The rest of the characters deserve credit as well, especially "Master of the House" himself Sacha Baron Cohen. He was perfect for his role and alike Russell Crowe, provided comic relief. My list of top 5 songs were incredibly difficult to narrow down to. However, after debate and shuffle, here they are: 

1. One Day More

2. A Heart Full of Love 

3. Red and Black 

4.Empty Chairs at Empty Tables 

5. Drink With Me 

  I like Les Mis a lot. So much that, I sing all the songs on the go, in class, in the shower, my apartment, in the car, and while sleeping. And I hope every American (I can't speak for the French, Asian or Latin communities) does as well. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Zombie Apocalypse Dream Team

    Time to start a debate: If you could have 3 athletes on your side during the zombie apocalypse...who would they be?

    Any active athletes in the MLB, NFL, or NBA or NCAA basketball or football are fair game. Unless you really trust Jeff Gordon with your back, absolutely no NASCAR. There is no limit to who you select with your picks. In other words, you can have all 3 NBA guys or 2 NBA players and a quarterback. These are the 3 guys who you would feel the safest with if a zombie apocalypse started tomorrow. In other words, choose the most B-A athletes to form a team who could kill a ton of zombies and protect you.

   Some of the popular and "sexy" picks include big names and stars, but this team needs to be thoroughly thought out and put together. Why are some of the popular picks not worthy of selections? Here is why:

Usain Bolt- Freakishly fast, long and confident, however he is too fast. With the ability to run away at any second, this is where Bolt becomes expendable. He would run away from you, rather than protect you. So, unless your name is Yohan Blake or Tyson Gay, Usain Bolt is too fast of a teammate to be considered for your prestigious 3 spots.

Dwight Howard- The man in HUGE. That may be a brash understatement, however he has attitude deficiencies. Dwight is moody. I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend the rest of the zombie apocalypse with Mr. Drama himself. Plus, Dwight may leave you at any second because he found a better "tribe", that can provide him the big stage that your "tribe" couldn't. If he is still around however, he would bring injury issues. His back or his shoulders could be hurt at any second by a crawler, virus or zombie Stan Van Gundy. Dwight is not the man for your tribe.

Metta World Peace- First off, if you call him "Ron Artest" he might strike you with a 2x4 on the spot. If you don't provide him with a proper psychiatrist, he becomes more unpredictable than a zombie itself. And, where are you going to find a respected psychiatrist???? Metta would almost guaranteed start a fight with the idle zombies, when the last thing you need is more zombies attacking you. Every other tribe would become an enemy if Metta is on your team because he prefers no allies.

Lebron James- Two years ago he would have killed a few zombies early on, but once it really mattered, he would choke. At this time, however he may be the favorite to go #1 overall. Lebron is still an overrated pick in my opinion. If your tribe was ever trying to go undercover and lay low, he takes away the possibility of doing that as he is too big of a star to do that. Chances are, even the zombies know who he is. Plus, his receding hairline takes away any possibility of having a "team haircut" and with no matching haircuts, this whole hypothetical draft would be no fun. For that reason, I am out of the Lebron James sweepstakes.

Richard Sherman- He provides ferocity and speed, but he has way too big of a mouth to be worthy of a top 3 pick. Plus, dreads are fair game for zombies. It has been said that zombies excel against "big talkers." Insert Richard Sherman. Uh oh. Rather than mash some zombies, Sherman would try and convince them that he is better than Darelle Revis. I also can't imagine how many times you would have to hear, "I am better at life than you" and "I am a Stanford graduate who was All-Pro!" Nights that should be spent planning for your next attack against the zombies would be spent with Sherman trying to get a hold of Skip Bayless and exude his hate for him.

Manti Te'o- I can see it now: "You guys have no idea how many girlfriends I had pre zombie apocalypse!" Yes, yes Manti we do, we saw ESPN and the story that broke. Manti would provide his haka ritual which would at the very least, intimidate the zombies, but his trust issues are a glaring negative. Who could trust this guy? Not me. Even if you can trust him, you definitely can't trust his friends. So, why pick Te'o? You may be banking on the fact that because most of the country has turned into zombies and there are more females than males left, he would actually be able to find a real girlfriend, which would inevitably put an end to all of his issues. Sounds like a little too much to bank on, plus does anyone really believe the same guy who couldn't get a girlfriend as a Heisman finalist could get one in the apocalypse?

Marshall Henderson- If you were to select him, Metta World Peace may come as a package deal. He would be effective talking smack to zombies, but when it comes to crunch time, Henderson's main tactic would be flipping them off. Plus, he would take cheap shots on your other teammates and would almost guaranteed not listen to a word you say. The Tasmanian Devil could be the worst pick available.

Tony Romo- I actually think although he is a quarterback, and not ferocious, he could be somewhat effective as Jessica Simpson, or any other blonde supermodel would not be alive to distract him. His downfall would be having no refs to protect him. Plus, if there was ever a situation where you absolutely needed a clutch performance, he is a sure thing to blow it. His greatest skill could be throwing grenades, however a zombie defensive back would find a way to intercept it.

Adrian Peterson- Would be able to out-run just about every zombie not named Tavon Austin, however AP would run "all day", but what about night time? If there was ever a situation where a dead out sprint across a field would decide your tribes fate, don't send AP as he would most likely fall 9 yards short of saving your tribe.

Brian Wilson- Would be a phenomenal asset to have if the zombies ever wanted to have a "beard growing competition", chances are they wouldn't so the only other thing he would be good for is possibly bringing our team luck with a, wait for it...rally thong!

Tim Tebow- Who else would pump you up more than Tebow in the pre-zombie killing locker room? His major flaw, his zombie killing form. You can bet he would have terrible form and unless it was late in the day or someone told him it was the "4th quarter", he is expendable.

That's enough of the overrated picks, now to picks that make a lot of sense when forming your team (I will choose the top 2 from each professional sport):

Stephen Jackson- Captain Jack provides leadership and loyalty. Remember when Ron Artest jumped into the crowd at the Palace in Auburn Hills during the brawl? Who was the one who followed him seconds later? Stephen Jackson! Jackson later said he lost about $3 million for that incident and Artest never thanked him. How is that for loyalty? Captain Jack got 2nd place in the recent "most thug player in the NBA" bracket, that tells a lot about how tough he would be in the apocalypse. He also may be the last athlete I would want to meet in a dark alley. There has never been a player who will defend his teammates and never back down to anyone more than Captain Jack. That is the perfect teammate in the zombie apocalypse.

Caron Butler- The same way madness fanatics fill their bracket based off Ken Pomeroy's efficiency ratings, I am choosing my NBA players based off the recent "Most thug NBA player" bracket. Caron Butler was the winner of that tournament, so by default he lands here. Here are some background facts for my recommended first overall pick: He was a drug dealer at age 11 (not that I support that), and he was arrested 15 times before he was 15! But, now that he is a successful athlete, he has dropped the drugs but retained his hard-nosed street mentality. What other player would even think of taking on Kendrick Perkins? Butler is the man. Plus, he plays for the Clippers, so if your zombie-mobile dies, Cliff Paul will be there to help.

Jason Heyward: The weapon of choice against zombies: a baseball bat. Insert Jason Heyward, a 6'5 power hitter. Heyward = Bad news for zombies. He hit a home run in his first major league at-bat so nerves are clearly not a problem and the same way the big leagues was new to him, so will be fighting zombies. He may have the best arm in the MLB not named Josh Reddick and he is a freak athlete. Is there anything this guy can't do? I am banking killing zombies isn't one of those things.

Yadier Molina- Had Manny Ramirez still been playing, he would have grabbed this spot, but the toughestof the Molina bros. falls here by default. In my opinion, the most underrated player in baseball. Because of the lack of respect he receives from MVP voters, he would be in F-U mode come zombie apocalypse time. He is the best defensive catcher in the majors and he is a B-A. If you aren't convinced, look up his fight with Brandon Phillips on YouTube. Baseball players may be the weakest of the three professional sports when choosing a "dream team" of zombie killers, but Yadier Molina is a true outlier in a relatively weak sport.

Marshawn Lynch- Yes, dreads are fair game for zombies, but Marshawn has the speed to jet away from any zombie. What other running back runs with as much power as "skittles?" If, for any reason you are in a bind with a few zombies, lookout for Lynch to turn on BEAST MODE! Give him some skittles and watch Marshawn go to work. He also has the necessary speed and ferocity to make supply runs.

Calvin Johnson Jr.- Is there any debate on this pick? As opposing defensive coordinators have done all year, he could be the sole reason the zombies throw up the white flag. His nickname isn't Megatron for no reason at all, he is the most dominant player to put on football pads in the last decade and his competitive drive/athleticism would enable him to be a phenomenal tribe member.

    Although this is a hypothetical scenario that will most likely not happen, it is always good to be prepared. Who better than athletes to have on your side during the zombie apocalypse?

Friday, March 29, 2013

The emergence of Syracuse and Buzz

    How many times have we seen elite teams squander in the tournament because of bad luck? Notable examples include Syracuse losing their Brazilian 7 footer Fab Melo mere days before the tournament, because he couldn't pass...wait for it....Algebra! KyrieUncle IrvingDrew was lost most of the year and hurt the teams chemistry as he came back for the tournament. This year, Miami caught the Fab Melo-initis and lost Center/Offensive lineman Reggie Johnson to injury. Is that the reason they lost to Marquette? Well, no. The real reason is this guy:

    Buzz Williams! Why is Buzz Williams such a great coach? Here are my reasons: 

1.) He won the recruiting battles for players named Vander Blue and Junior Cadougan. That's a win in my book. 
2.) His post-game press rants rival Bill Belichick's monotone post game complaints. 
3.) His teams are always gritty and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER give up. 
4.) Last but definitely not least... His name is Buzz!!!! If I had a coach whose name was the same noise a phone makes when on vibrate/rhymes with fuzz and is the noise a bee makes, I would respect the hell heck out of that man. 

    Has your mom ever cut your hair and because of your recent attitude around the house, she uses the hair clippers to get back at you and "accidentally" screws up your hair? Is that what happened to La Salle's Tyrone Garland? 

1.) If this guy is in college than my preface can't be the case. No way his mother still cuts/braids his hair. 
2.) How is he not the poster boy for college basketball? 
3.) Kelly Olynyk vs. Tyrone Garland: Who uses more conditioner? 
4.) Thoughts that come to mind while looking at Mr. Garland's hair: Is that the muffin man? Is that Little Bo-Beeps evil step brother? How long until Marvel creates a "Tyrone Garland" Super Hero? 

    You know within about the first 4 minutes which Michael Carter-Williams (MCW) showed up. There are two MCW identities. I.D.#1 is Non-Conference schedule Carter-Williams (the guy who gets sloppy playing on local television against non-conference opponents without James Southerland). Then, there is I.D.#2 Carter-Williams, or lottery pick MCW (the guy who controls the game, hits shots, uses his size and passing ability to look like the best player in the country not named Kelly Olynyk). This game was in the Sweet Sixteen, with James Southerland against a #1 seed, so....I mean...

    Michael Carter Williams played a grand total of 0 minutes in last year's tournament, but if he keeps playing out of his mind, he will win this year's tournament MVP. He is the key to a very talented Syracuse team. With the 2-3 zone looking as sharp as ever, and "The senior" Brandon Triche and James Southerland shooting lights out, they may be the team to beat.

    Anyone else wish Marshall Henderson was still in the tournament?

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