There are a few reasons I don't like writing about music. 1.) It's not sports 2.) Musical preferences are too subjective 3.) Taylor Swift and her overly "surprised look" after she wins
But, the Grammy's are incredibly entertaining and the only awards show that rivals the ESPY's. Unless, of course Les Mis or any Tom Cruise movie wins Best Picture at the Oscar's. With football over, baseball in a flux, hockey being a Canadian sport, college basketball still a month away from relevancy and the NBA in mid-season coasting mode, why not write about a musical awards show?
{Editors Note: Refusing to show any loyalty to Idaho, I am writing this column on California (pacific) time.}
Here is what took place...
8:00- Were live at the Grammy's! It's about time. I was beginning to think the Red Carpet was more exciting than last week's national televised 'stadium blackout'. Who is the host this year?
8:02- LL Cool J?! Oh no. This is going to be a LONG night. LL, please spare us, no NCIS or SVU references. I have been to 4th/5th grade piano recitals more musically literate then LL. Do I really have to keep typing LL or can I come up with a nickname?
8:03- T-Swizzle gets the opening performance nod? Is this a Mary Poppins tribute?? No, I got it...Alice in Wonderland!
8:05- What is with the hosts' (I refuse to type Cool J's first letters) hat? Did he just get back from the Pebble Beach golf tournament? Aren't hosts supposed to be funny? Or, should they take a note out of the book of "Cool J" and start it off on a sad note?
8:10- ELTON JOHN!!!! All the elderly in the rest homes just went crazy.
8:13- First commercial break. So far, no good. We want Jimmy Fallon! Or, at least give us an attractive women. Hand Beyonce a microphone and watch her go to work.
8:16- *Genius Idea*: Get the Les Mis cast (minus Russell Crowe) to host and don't allow talking the whole show. Just like in the movie. That would be entertaining, interesting, comical (if Crowe shows up) and appealing (Anne Hathaway post live hair chop).
8:19- J-Lo, her one leg, and Pitbull. Someone hire a translator.
8:20- It's always fun to hear Pitbull say "Dale" (Doll-EEEE) isn't it?
8:21-Adele?!? Get Kanye up there!
8:21- Adele wins the Grammy for "Best Vocal Performance," as well as the Grammy for "Most Songs that Sound Exactly the Same."
8:23- FUN. Can I start a band and name it BORING? Then, we will perform on stage when it's snowing and hail is hitting us on the head.
8:30- Just saw 2 Sofia Vergara commercials during one break. BEST NIGHT EVER! CBS, I applaud you.
8:33- Miranda Lambert. Prefers pink microphones, a fatter version of Carrie Underwood, and performs under trees. Is this supposed to be a bible reference? Adam and Eve. Yep, here comes Adam Bientley.
8:39- Vietnam flashbacks to Cool J's childhood. Give me cancer now.
8:44- I'm in awe of Carrie Underwood. Now I have a debate going on in my head. Carrie or Sofia?
8:50- Even with her nerve disorder Faith Hill is very attractive. Good work Faith.
8:54- Second debate of the night: Who smoked more recently Johnny Depp or Wiz Khalifa?
9:04- BEYONCE!!!! And a pan to Jay-Z. Best part of the show so far.
9:05- Things Justin Timberlake's comeback is better than. Ray Lewis on deer-antler-spray. Ron Artest's psychiatrist. Brittney Griner's woman-to-man make-up artist. Iman Shumpert's flat top. Baja Blast freeze. Chapstick. Tom Cruise performance in every action movie.
9:07- Can we agree Jay-Z and Beyonce are the model couple not of Brooklyn, not of MTV, not of the East Coast, not of the Black community, not of the country but of the world? Jay-Z is unquestionably the best rapper alive. Someone stop me I could go on and on. (Thinking of typing Cool J's first two letters). (Okay, i'm good).
9:13- Frank Ocean just said he wants to envision the audience naked. Guys and girls. Get it?
9:22- Cool J just grabbed pole position for the "Worst host in the history of Awards Shows" race.
9:23- I'm so bored, I just hallucinated Alicia Keys playing the drums. Hey, wait a second...
9:29- Third debate of the night: What sounds more familiar Eva Longoria and Evan Longoria or Yo Yo Ma and Yao Ming?
9:33- Local news promo of the night: "Potato prices sky rocketing in the Idaho Falls area, Monday at 11." Gotta love Idaho.
9:37- Rihanna debuts her newest "slow" song. I kinda like it. Does that make me less of a man? Wait, don't answer that.
9:38- Rihanna confuses me. From a young desirable women. To chopped hair. To growing it back out and becoming attractive again. Do you want guys to like you or hate you? Make up your mind gurrrllll.
9:42- You have to love the Grammys for moments like this:
-Jay-Z: "I want to thank the Swap Meet for giving him his hat"
-The Dream: "hahahaha.... Wait, what?"
9:47- Oh no. More Cool J. Cut his microphone. Pull the fire alarm. Anything.
9:54- Wow, Kelly Clarkson really let go of herself. Hop on that Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers train.
9:56- Kelly Clarkson's pianist borrowed Cool J's ridiculous hat. Did he just get off the golf course too? Did they have a 6 o'clock tee time?
9:58- Is that Zac Brown, Matisyahu or Zach Galifinakis? The Rabbi look is back.
10:03- Uhhhhhhhh I still have homework. (Groaning). (This sucks). My teacher will understand.
10:05- Bruno Mars. I feel like I have seen/heard this song several times already on Awards Shows. That cowboy hat is new though.
10:07- Sting needs subtitles. I just had a flashback to Jimmy Fallon impersonating Sting on SNL. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MGOkJ7FG4M)
10:10- Would Ziggy Marley be big if his last name wasn't Marley? Would Luke be big if his last name wasn't Walton? Would Richard be big if his last name wasn't Jefferson? Finally, a sports athlete reference.
10:12- A camera pan to John Mayer. Man, he's so serious and miserable. Is his life really that depressing? What would he look like if he hadn't made a ton of money, dated Jennifer Aniston, made some great albums and won a bunch of awards? He and Greg Popovich need to attend a support group together.
10:17- A Tyler the Creator sighting. Add him to the Johnny Depp, Wiz Khalifa debate above.
10:19- Just maxed out the volume when The Lumineers yell "Ho." Jumped and spilled my popcorn.
10:22- I don't even have words to describe this Jack White performance. Would "weird" suffice? How about "this sucks?"
10:27- Upset of the night: Fun beating out the previously unbeaten Frank Ocean.
10:34- Hunter Hayes and Carrie Underwood back-to-back? Every year, the Grammys just throw two people back to back for no real reason. I think that's what's happening.... or someone lost a bet.
10:35- Carrie Underwood. WOW. How do you even describe her in words? Why is she married to a hockey player? If she asked me to marry her I would drop everything, including the PMP basketball team and say "Are you freaking kidding me? Absolutely." Carrie Underwood>>>>Everything. Why is she not the grand finale? Put her and Beyonce on stage and you would have the television event of the century.
10:41- I'm just glad Taylor Swift didn't win so we don't have to suffer through another "OMG" thank you speech.
10:43- Coming up: Justin Timberlake. Every SNL fan, teenage girl, middle aged woman, elderly folk, basically every person in the world just got excited. And gave a big "YES!"
10:51- "Ryan Seacrest is the honorary chairman? Does he have the credentials for that? How long has he been in the music industry?" -Every annoying music junkie.
10:53- The President introduces the "Here's who died this year" memorandum. I always think their is not enough applause. One of the worst things about being dead would be not getting enough applause in a "Here's who died this year" memorandum. That would really set me off. I would have to start haunting the Staples Center.
10:55- Why did they not remember Russell Crowe's character Javert in the memorandum? Crowe killed him, his voice and any reputation he previously had.
10:57- Just searched EltonJohnSunglasses.com, unfortunately it doesn't exist.
11:02- I need some sports. 3+ hours of Red Carpet and Grammys. I have a sudden hankering for more Carrie Underwood.
11:10- Awesome Frank Ocean coming onto screen then walking away effect. Kinda boring song though. Headband was the deal breaker. So, final verdict: B+
11:17- And Album of the Year goes to: Mumford and Sons. My reaction, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
11:24- Can no one think of a better finale than Cool J, the guy who just hosted the show?
Best part of the show: No Taylor Swift wins. Worst part of the show: Lack of quality performances.
Final Grade: C+
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