Anyhow, I feel somewhat obliged to mention the most recent PED scandal in baseball and Ryan Braun's unreasonable suspension time. I have a few questions that I would LOVE to ask regarding the most recent annual steroid scandal (The Annual Steriod Scandal A.K.A--ASS).
....Why is Braun the only player currently serving his suspension when there were numerous other names linked?
....Is it just a coincidence his Brewers are twenty-one games back when his suspension starts?
....Some other names linked: Bartolo Colon, Alex "I hit on Russian models during games" Rodriguez, Gio Gonzalez and Nelson Cruz. All of those names are currently on a contending team with playoff aspirations.
....I'm not a rocket scientist but isn't this whole situation a little fishy?
....The reason Ryan Braun isn't appealing: HIS TEAM IS 21 GAMES BACK! 21!!!! 21!!!!!!!!
....Did Bud Selig just snatch the "Worst Commish in Sports" title belt from David Stern?
If Bud Selig wants to maintain an image, avoid going down with the ship (steroid use) and make his mark on baseball here is what he must accomplish:
1) Enforce a lifetime ban from Major League Baseball after a player tests positive 2 times for HGH, 'Roids, Juice--whatever the heck kids call it these days. You cheat in school you are done, why is sports more lenient than education????
2) Revoke all awards ever given to these professional
3) Force the recently positive HGH testers (Braun, Colon, A-Rod, etc.) to star in a Progressive commercial with Flo. If that isn't torture, what is?
Seriously though, why is the sports world so content with complaining about Commissioners yet not doing ANYTHING about it? If you are part of a David Stern, Bud Selig or Roger Goodell intervention group do something about the need for a change! Somehow the David Stern intervention group convinced Stern to step down after this year. Bravo, DS-Intervention Group.
Editors Note: {The next Paragraph comes in large part to Keegan losing his chapstick and his lips feeling "chapped"}
I am infuriated just thinking about all the wrong and suspicious stunts professional Commissioners are constantly pulling. Just hearing the latest commissioners' wrong doing raises my blood pressure. In fact, so does writing about it. (Someone give me a TUM!) Ok, I found my Chapstick.... I am good!
The same way Jimmy Fallon has began incorporating video clips and media into his opening monologues, I will be incorporating images into my column. You're welcome in advance. This is what I imagine the NBA, MLB and NFL's Commissioners would be saying/thinking in the captured moment.
David "Rigged lotteries/refs/games" Stern--NBA
...."The NBA Finals goes to game 7?! PERFECT"
...."This is how my mama taught me to milk a goat"
...."This was my reaction when I rigged the 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006... And 2013 NBA Draft Lotteries"
...."This is how I sat during the Soarin' Over California ride. It was exhilarating!"
....(If I pound my hands 3 times fast on the desk people will respect me? Imma try it!)
....Slogan: Absolute Power = Absolute Corruption
Bud "I look exactly like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets" Selig--MLB
...."Why is Braun the only one being suspended this season?" (I will just act like I can't hear the question) "Excuse me, what was the question?"
...."Allen Iverson has nothing on my interviews with the media. A-I never showed his right ear off like this. Oh yeah, work it!"
...."That's correct, my grandma did knit this suit jacket and wool tie for me. Thanks for noticing"
...."Wait, that's Braun's second allegation? That's news to me!"
...."I just secured pole position in the "Worst Commish in sports" race? YES! What an honor. Move over Mr. Stern!"
....Slogan: I never learned how to deal with steroids in my one room schoolhouse
Roger "Don't say the words replacement and ref around me" Goodell--NFL
...."Aaron Hernandez is now on trial? That makes 178 convicted felons in my league"
...."When can we change our name to the No Fun League? Is it still being considered? It is? OK"
...."How close are the Jets to joining the Canadian Football League? Not that close? Dang it!"
...."I would rather sit through an ACT class than announce 7 more rounds of the draft!"
....Slogan: The babysitter over a thousand personalities/drama queens/convicts/Chad Ochocinco
It's been a pleasure bashing on the big 3 sports Commissioners. Thank you for reading.
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